Restoration of the Lovability Principlethrough "Nurturing"

Nurturing report I

November 8 2008

Pre session

I had been working towards filing tax returns. I had not filed taxes since I left my ex-spouse 7 years ago.
The pressure was always in the background yet I was stuck and immobilized.
Luckily, I guess, Revenue Canada started to garnish 30% of my gross wages
in addition to the usual 20%. It still was difficult to move forward to do this
but I finally went to an accountant approximately 2 ½ weeks ago.
Then, just a few nights before the nurturing session, I had a very profound
dream that involved me acting in a uncharacteristic and new way.
In the dream I was standing in the side yard of a house. I was talking to my
“ex” (who still had the same “ex” status). We were talking about what we
were going to do about a politically repressive government’s regime who was
sending out police agents to round people up and send them away. The
atmosphere felt like what I had seen in films about the Nazi occupation in Europe.
Both C. and I separately deciding what to do as the police agents were going
to be in our area within minutes. C. tried to argue for acquiescing and going
along with the roundup of political prisoners and fatalistically hoping for the best.
I knew in an instant that this was not going to be my choice. As the agents
approached I ran before they saw me. C. turned himself in.
I ran into the back yard of the house and I burrowed under fallen leaves and
vegetative undergrowth. I planned on staying in hiding until the agents left the area.
After a period of time, I could hear footsteps approaching, so I held my
breath. An agent came into the back yard to do a search. He didn’t see me,
yet he seemed to hesitate as though he could sense my presence without seeing me.
As he looked away, I burrowed deeper and hoped to hide even better and
held my breath again. A minute later he was almost standing over me. I knew
it would be only a matter of minutes or less before he discovered me. I had
to decide quickly what I was going to do… I was going to be seen by the agent.
Suddenly, as the agent looked away briefly, I turned over from my stomach
to my back so I could stand up and fight! No more hiding so I couldn’t be
seen: I was willing and committed fighting for my freedom and my life. I woke up feeling liberated.


The session was with Joaquin and it was medicated.
I always anticipate Joaquin’s nurturance, embrace and happy regard.
As I nestled into his arms I felt particularly bonded to his body. As the
medication took effect I fell deeper into a place of emotional comfort. It
felt like I suddenly landed in my childhood family living room while still being in Joaquin’s embrace.
I could really recall all the details of my family home- the living room in
particular as it existed when I was five years old. I could see my dad sitting
on the couch reading hi newspaper- unaware of my presence. I could smell his
man ??? presence. It was familiar and emotionally neutral for me.
I remember wondering if really belonged there (emotionally speaking). It was
like the house/home did not belong to me. I was like an intruder or at best a guest.
Then it was as though, by virtue of Joaquin’s presence and emotional
strength, it occurred to me that I had a right to feel as though I belonged,
as though I could put “down roots” here. It was my home in spite of how not
present my dad (reading his newspaper) and my mom (who was not even in the room) were for me.
I felt a little-kid determination to have a place for myself, my body (which
was safely embraced by Joaquin) in the world. My body. My house. My life.
The words that came out of my mind were “safe” and “house”- as in my body,
Joaquin’s body and even more generally, my body as in having a life itself.
In my living room, I knew that my parents weren’t available, that they were
broken sad people. But I felt so safe so grounded by Joaquin’s presence, (his
body or his “house” that he shared with me) that my parents’ problem no
longer made me want to abandon my life or hide. I felt complete.

Post session
Within an hour post session, it felt like I had gone on a very long journey,
far, far away from home and my present life. The feeling of really being
away was experienced first in my body and then in my mind.
It felt like it was the best vacation I could ever imagine. I felt satisfied and strengthened.

 

 

Nurturing report II

November 20 2008

Nurturing report

This was a magnificent session in so many ways.
I felt the connection to Joaquin almost immediately, like all the tension and
neuroses fell away in an instant and I was transported into a realm which I
can only describe as “spiritual”. I try so hard sometimes to feel a connection
to God and the chatter in my head, the obsessive need to do things over
rides this simple thing. But when I am in male nurturing it is possible to let
go of all outside pressure and be in a receptive state to receive love and be
the loving child/adult I was meant to be. I felt a strong, strong sense that I
was “good”, a “good girl”. I told Joaquin about this. Almost immediately I
started to feel hungry. I haven’t felt hungry in a long time, I am having to be
very vigilant to make sure I consume a reasonable amount of calories every
day- sometimes a tall order. But I felt natural hunger as soon as I was with
him (and after the session I took myself to my favorite restaurant and ate a meal).
The effects of the Ketamine were not overwhelming but quite strong and
the positive effect on my wellbeing has lasted for a long time. I felt so loved
so much like a good person, not bad, not ashamed.
During the session I felt the need to work and it was very strange. I think I
was half-singing half-talking an aria from Handel’s Messiah: “How beautiful
are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace and bring glad tidings
of good things”. And this was my answer to all the evil that I see in the
world- particularly in my world- both past and present. My answer. My feet
bother me constantly in a phantom kind of a way whenever I am in the
therapeutic setting and at home whenever I am stressed. This week my feet
actually hurt from being rubbed together constantly. It seems like in this
nurturing session I was so close to knowing why it is my feet that bother me
so much. This much was clear: they hurt my feet and they hurt me because I
was a beautiful child of God and though my arrival into their world was “Glad
Tidings” they ignored that and used me like garbage.
I am working very hard to get to the bottom of the historical reason on why
I am so hooked into helping B. one last time before I can let go and feel that
I have done everything I can… there is something there; something deep
historically- I got close to it in my work yesterday at group but I think I
have not quite grasped it. I know it’s there the answer to this question and
possibly the one about my feet too.
I asked Joaquin why would the “introjects” have so much power right nowjust
as I am moving into the final stages of my work and he answered “Ask
your feet”. And its true- they seem to answer “they hurt you because you
were good and pure and they couldn’t bear looking at you. They hurt you to
make you like them but it didn’t work.”
The strangest thing about that session was though I was aware of a world of
Love and Good, I was very much aware of the Evil that also exists.

 

June 16th, 2009

Dear Mom and Dad:

I cannot begin to explain to the both of you the transformation I have undergone this past year. The changes that have occurred within me are incredible. Here I will attempt to describe to you what I feel I have uncovered about my upbringing, and about which I am still uncertain or concerned.

When I began therapy last summer, I felt tired and hopeless. Actually, I had never felt like I had felt any hope in my life, but I had always been a fighter and had pushed through. Last summer, after A. was hospitalized for the third time, I didn’t want to fight anymore. I felt like there was no point, like the struggle would be lost and that I would never be free of my responsibility to him and this family. That made me feel depressed and like there was no point in trying to accomplish anything for myself anymore. I also was just ending a relationship with the worst choice of man I had made yet. He was the epitome of all the bad choices I had made in boyfriends: he was verbally abusive, controlling, threatened, and stupid.

About one month into therapy, or perhaps when I began nurturing with L., I began to notice changes in myself. These changes have been cumulative up until now and will hopefully continue with more work. I have noticed, in general, that my sense of self-worth has skyrocketed compared to what it used to be. This has affected all areas of my life. In terms of men, I still made some mistakes this past year, but since February, I have not dated or slept with any man (unusual for me), and have raised my standards much higher than they have ever been before. I no longer feel the desperation I once felt to have a boyfriend.

Also, I feel as though I can finally see you both and A. on my own terms. This has been extremely difficult for me, as I fight a lot of feelings of guilt, fear, and sadness from day-to-day about not being a good daughter or sister (especially sister). I also feel sometimes that my ambition to travel or move elsewhere for work will be abandoning my responsibilities to my family. This feeling I hope can change with more work.

Overall, by not having the distraction of bad men or a needy family on my back, I have been able to focus more on my career and furthering my education and the possibilities I am able to ponder. Working and nurturing with __ has given my a feeling of freedom I never thought could exist for me. It has opened doors in my mind and my heart that I never fathomed could be opened. I have become more independent, proud, and stronger than I ever thought possible.

Though I have made a lot of progress, I know I have much more to work on. First, I want to continue working on the feelings of guilt and abandonment I feel towards myself so far as my family is concerned. Once I eliminate these feelings, then I have confidence that I will be able to love my brother more truly for who he is rather than loving him because I fell obligated to do so.

Also, I still feel unconfident in my abilities and who I am in some situations. A week ago in therapy, I worked feelings of worthlessness and ineptness when I met a man who was an accountant at a large firm in Vancouver. Clearly, I have more work to do in this area and in general. I feel strong but my strength and confidence is often unexpectedly shattered in certain situations which I cannot seem to predict. I know that I need to work more with Dr Sousa-Poza. In particular, I feel I should begin to nurture with him…although I do not know what I will feel when this happens. I have never had a father figure in my life that I trust. To me Dr Sousa-Poza is an unknown, which is probably why he intimidates me. As well, L. mentioned I should try some sessions with ketamine; I agree with her.

In summation:

Mom: I know now that you were controlling, guilt inducing, and competitive with me. You pushed me to succeed, yet you often put me down. You awarded me more responsibility than any child could withstand. As such, I have lived with anxiety and small bouts of depression my entire life.

Dad: I have learned that you made me chase you and no matter what I tried, I could not hold your attention or your love. Beyond this, you were silent, and I know I have not begun to comprehend the damage you have caused me.

Yours truly,

O.

 

2009 REPORT

The enthusiasm and confidence I now have with regard to the rest of my life is as it should be.

A brief story of Phoenix rising

In 2002, I returned to Victoria from a 10-month placement from an island in the South Pacific. This had also been a “therapeutic holiday”. The botched volunteer placement and lack of support from Cuso (a Canadian NGO) had left me in a very bad state. Recently, I had a telephone interview with Cuso during which I became so distraught and angry that I cut the conversation short. I was surprised by the depth of my reaction. I recognized that the emotion I felt (both in the present and during the overseas experience) also contained the pain and terror of the abandoned child set loose in a world she did not understand, and where no one was in her corner. This primal reaction has led me to believe that on my return from overseas, I was probably suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

From that time until 2004, I struggled to find and to keep employment – unsuccessfully. This resulted in the loss of my apartment, poverty, use of local food banks, and finding myself in serious crisis. Fortunately, I was approved to receive CPP Disability, and I qualified for a 20’ x 20’ apartment in a building restricted to people aged 55 and over
( a downtown neighbourhood of the city with a high population of drug abusers). At the time, I felt a miracle had taken place and I had been rescued from becoming a homeless person. That was true, but I also believed myself to be disabled and old and thought perhaps I would be lucky enough to live in this concrete box until the end of my life. (That could be 30 years or more!!) What an outlook.

With food and shelter stability, and with continued therapy, I began my recovery from several years of extreme emotional stress. I gradually became more involved with life. For a period of over 2 years, I worked part time as one-to-one caregiver for young children. For three years I have volunteered with a non-profit society supporting women living in poverty by providing them with clothing for job interviews. I also found part-time work in an office. Now, I am on the Board of Directors for that non-profit society, and continue to perform my office job with efficiency and competence.

Victoria is not where I want to see myself in five year’s time, not even in one year’s time. I have stayed in this living situation to have access to therapy, to be near my daughter, and because I believed I had no options. It is time for me to create the life I want.

Primarily, I will be leaving Victoria. For several months, I have been planning to move to the Comox Valley. I have now established a place to live for the short term, and will be moving at the end of August. My plan is that once I am living in Comox, I will find a job. Next, I will find an apartment that is walking distance to the sea and where I can have a cat.
My longer-term plan is to start a business in that area. I will sell high-end items for the home on a consignment basis. I have always been an entrepreneur. This will be my fifth time creating livelihood for myself. I know I can succeed. In Comox, I will have more nature around me and I will be within 30 minutes of my younger sister who I love very much and with whom I want to spend more time. I have some long-time friends who live in the area and I look forward to being around people with similar backgrounds to my own.

On a daily basis, I am aware of God within and around myself and others.

There is still an observing voice in my head but it has become my cheerleader. This voice says things like – “wow P. you really did that well, good for you”.

I am creating the life I want and it is not restricted by a need to be in my daughter’s pocket. It is also not restricted by thinking of myself as “disabled” or “old”.

This is the beginning of yet another phase of my life. I know it will be the best phase of my life. I am equipped with love and respect for myself plus admiration of my best qualities, one of which is resourcefulness. My happiness does not depend on anything that is outside of me. Maybe my physical comfort does, but not my happiness.

The long version: MAJOR LESSONS IN THIS LAP OF THERAPY

One night I watched a movie. A man was visiting his girlfriend at her apartment. The woman left the room and the man saw her open diary on the table. He began to read it, and continued to read it. My reaction to seeing that was anger and shock. How could someone so violate the privacy of someone he cared for?

How does that reaction display a change in me?

Throughout my past, I had no qualms about snooping or spying on people who allegedly loved me. I was always fearing and expecting rejection, always looking for proof that they did not really love me, or that they were not who they seemed to be. I sensed that my reality was not accurate; I needed to constantly check and test. This was the atmosphere of my childhood. I was so confused, and anxious, desperate to understand the people around me; my older sister, my father, my mother, all of whom were supposed to love me. Who were these people? What do they care about? What does love look like? How would I recognize it? Could I even believe in it? No.
As an adult, this played out in all of my relationships; especially with my daughter and with my lovers. I searched for clues of how they wanted me to be and became that. I searched for evidence that they did not love me. I was sneaky, disrespectful, pathetically anxious, believing that no one could actually love me. Nothing was sacred. I considered my daughter’s life, to be my life. She was in fact my one true thing and yet I was obsessed with finding evidence that she was not honest with me. After all, how could she be? I was so unlovable.

THEN:
A couple of years ago, I was given the privilege of taking notes during therapy sessions. One day, while looking for the report of a particular patient, I saw the report of my daughter (who was in therapy at the time). I started to read it. I had to force myself to stop it. I confessed and stayed after that group to work this transgression. I remember defending myself and screaming, “What mother could possibly see the chart of her daughter (with whom she is out of communication) and not be compelled to read it? I knew I had done something wrong, but I believed it was justified, excusable, and even natural to do such a thing. That event was of course the end of my note taking. I had broken the trust Dr. Sousa-Poza had had in me, and I had betrayed my daughter.

NOW:
What kind of a mother could resist that temptation? A healthy one.
Recently, my daughter asked me to cat-sit while she went to Regina to visit her boyfriend. I spent many hours in her apartment while she was away. I had absolutely no urge or temptation to look at her diaries or her letters; to look in her drawers for private things. I also had no temptation to clean up her place or to rearrange anything (as I would have done in the past, rationalizing that I was doing something loving for her). The very idea was alien to me. I was in the apartment of J., her things, her style, her comfort zone. I did not touch anything, or want to. I fed and played with the cats.

INSIGHT: I recognize that my daughter searched for clues of how I NEEDED her to be and became that. I recognize that my emotional wounds crippled both my daughter and myself. This is not about love.
I now respect my daughter and in so doing, I respect myself. This is about love.

My commitment had been for years that I would not contact J.( my adult daughter, also in therapy)- it was up to her to contact me when she wanted to see me. (We were out of contact for 6 years with few and minor exceptions). My daughter contacted me when she was ready to begin seeing me again – I told her she would need to check that out with L.! Of course, she did. And then, I checked it out too which led to two or three very intense (very angry) working sessions that dispelled my myth that it was because of L. and J., I was not allowed to see my daughter. Wrong thinking. Funny, bullshit usually has a stronger smell!

I did finally recognize that I had not been in contact with J. for all this time because that was J.’s choice! POW – right in the kisser! Through a couple of very difficult sessions (for myself as well as for L.), I got it. I experienced intense pain and grief and over a couple of months, came to terms with reality. Intellectually, I had understood that J. could not express her full anger at the mother I was if she was attached to me in the present. I had prided myself on what a good mother I was being to stay away from J. so that she could do her therapy; that this was my act of love. I believed that if I gave J. the smallest opening she would run to me and I could nurture her and blah blah blah – happy ending. la la la
In fact, it was an act of love, but not a measure of a martyred mother’s endurance. What I had failed to recognize was that J. needed to become stronger in herself before she would be able to be herself around me – she had been so well trained to be who I needed, I had crippled her from being herself. This new understanding really made me grow up

What a gift was given to me – the opportunity to begin a new, loving and true, healthy relationship with my daughter. And what a gift to observe myself giving to my daughter from my true heart. I have a few tears of happiness as I write this.

I am still taking Ritalin SR 20mg each morning. The Ritalin definitely helps me - I am more aware of what it does for me if I forget to take it or decide not to take it for a day or two. Without Ritalin, I really struggled to concentrate and stay with tasks until they are done. For now, I want to continue taking this medication.

I have learned how to make the most of the times that my attention is sharp. I have also learned to recognize when it is not. I have attention problems when something is not either of interest for me, or challenging me. I also have poor retention of numerical facts (for instance, when repeating information heard on the radio news) and, unlike L., I do always have to look up the phone numbers of my friends - even J.'s. I do not retain numbers well. I work with numbers very accurately in fact, but do not retain them.

I now know that I work best for 45 minutes to 1 hour, then I need a change of activity for maybe 30 minutes, and I can work very well again. Learning this about myself has been beneficial and will help me with future employment. It will facilitate my ability to make the best use of my attention and still dance to my own drum while respecting time frames set by others for completion of tasks.

God Bless You Dr. Sousa-Poza. Your therapy is brilliant. It has been an honour to watch how you work with such total integrity, love, patience, knowledge, and compassion. In addition, it has truly been the blessing of my life to have arrived in the same corner of the planet as you did.

P.